I am not sure where it would lead but, maybe it would bring me to you.
If today was truth day
Id confess, I think that parts forever froze
If you asked me to be honest
Id let the wall down and say I'm scared.
I am so afraid its paralyzing.
Despite what I try or who I talk to, its just different now. My world, my perspective its changed. I am angry about it at times. I feel like I am in this unforgiving cycle, one I never asked for. I pep talk myself, I'm fine, I am... I honestly can say I am a happy person. I laugh more than most people and see beauty in the simple things. My life is better in so many ways than I ever thought it could be. I have so many things ahead and opportunity to grow, along with two littles who were tailor made for me. But here I am, just ...sad at times. I'm colder than before, I feel robbed of my rose colored hue. Why is it that even though I am surrounded by amazing friends I feel completely alone, so much so that it echos. Its heavy here, when I feel like this. What I want, I feel is tainted for keeps. I wont ever give in like that again, I wont ever cave...Its wrong to feel this way, its not fair. I have tried to make efforts and the more I try, the more detached I become. Its the after effect I didn't see coming.
If today were truth day,
Id admit this is far heavier than I would ever like to post,
this is way to much information.
I'll spare you the details
But I speak about being raw, so here it is.... I think I'm broken.
I don't want to be
but I am.
The ideal isn't for me.
I am learning to be okay with that.
If today you saw my eyes,
They would be the same as before.
I am my own biggest enemy
I am simple yet, so very complicated. I like to think that makes me interesting to some degree but, sometimes it just makes me feel crazy. Im hungry...scratch that, I am starving. Constantly craving something new, something better, anything that will further project the way I see the world and how I photograph it. I understand myself well, I feel like I have a good grip and I have come to terms with the fact I will never win this battle. I will never be content, ever. In some areas of life this isn't a positive trait but in my little world of cameras and words, its a good thing. Makes me hair pulling crazy but its good. I am no where near the goals I have for myself. Not even close. But that nagging little voice I am constantly battling with assures me, I fight because I need to be something great. I need to do something beautiful and inspiring. This need can literally bring me to tears of frustration. Wanting to translate your heart and what you love into a photograph isnt a easy task. As long as emotions the center of my image I know I will get there...
Today I felt like I lost the battle and just said to myself, I quit.
I dont know which way to go, which project to focus on, what I want to implement next.
So instead, I sat down on my couch and repeated... I quit.
Im done
I quit
I quit
I QUIT
Which in reality means tomorrow I will try harder.
