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5.26.2012

if today were truth day....

"I'm looking for a place to start 
And everything feels so different now. 
Just grab a hold of my hand 
I will lead you through this wonderland. 
Water up to my knees 
But sharks are swimming in the sea. 
Just follow my yellow light 
And ignore all those big warning signs. "

If today...
I were chasing pavement
I am not sure where it would lead but, maybe it would bring me to you.
If today was truth day
Id confess, I think that parts forever froze
If you asked me to be honest
Id let the wall down and say I'm scared. 
I am so afraid its paralyzing.  
Despite what I try or who I talk to, its just different now.  My world, my perspective its changed. I am angry about it at times. I feel like I am in this unforgiving cycle, one I never asked for. I pep talk myself, I'm fine, I am... I honestly can say I am a happy person. I laugh more than most people and see beauty in the simple things. My life is better in so many ways than I ever thought it could be. I have so many things ahead and opportunity to grow, along with two littles who were tailor made for me. But here I am, just ...sad at times. I'm colder than before, I feel robbed of my rose colored hue. Why is it that even though I am surrounded by amazing friends I feel completely alone, so much so that it echos. Its heavy here, when I feel like this. What I want, I feel is tainted for keeps.  I wont ever give in like that again, I wont ever cave...Its wrong to feel this way, its not fair. I have tried to make efforts and the more I try, the more detached I become. Its the after effect I didn't see coming.
If today were truth day,
 Id admit this is far heavier than I would ever like to post,
this is way to much information.
I'll spare you the details
But I speak about being raw, so here it is.... I think I'm broken. 
I don't want to be
but I am.
The ideal isn't for me.
I am learning to be okay with that.
If today you saw my eyes,
They would be the same as before.
I am my own biggest enemy
B


this is nothing more than a moment. 
I am just fine.

4 comments:

Shaylynn... I blahwg It's True. said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Crystal said...

I think that sometimes things that make us feel so weak and broken are really the things that make us that much stronger! And one day it will all be that much sweeter! Loves to you sweet girl!

wrecklessgirl said...

i love them. we are music soul mates. <3

Japolina said...

Things will get better. Hang in there.