Drowning sleep

 I loved someone very much once ... For what seemed like eternity, I feared sleep.
This is coming from a girl who was not only a full time mom, but also in the middle of wedding season. I was so petrified of night approaching it consumed me. Something about laying in bed, staring at the celling, knowing you have no control over the faces and story lines of your dreams. The events of my real life somehow only repeated themselves night after night, I couldn't escape it. For weeks, I would wake up hourly in a cold anxious sweat. I had never felt such a heavy state of panic. Thankfully, I began sleeping longer, but there was something about 4 am. I would wake up with my heart racing around 4 am almost every morning. It was awful and daylight brought little relief. Nothing was worse then the realization that it wasn't a nightmare, it was real. My fear of dusk soon shifted to my fear of dawn. Because it was painful to wake up every morning and have to remind myself .... 
Its real
I have to try and smile another day
 I have to let it go
I have to pick up the pieces
I have to keep my focus and make new goals
I have to be immersed in weddings and memories
I have to try to stand up straight and fill this gapping hole in my chest
I have to fight the tightness in my throat
I have to hide the tears so the kids don't see
I cant do it .... I have to do it
I have to feel how much a broken heart hurts.
Having a pity party or melt down was a luxury I didn't have.
Its not a cliche when people say, its like a piece is missing.
Its odd to walk around not whole, almost like you aren't in your own body.
 Its not a matter of a person missing, but its your faith. Faith in a lot of things.
 I felt it at its worst and it will continue to get lighter. Thats how it works, right?
You deal with it when it needs to be dealt with and you can let it go?
I don't wake up every night at 4 am anymore. I dont fear sleep like I used too.
I might still avoid any love based movies, music ect.
I might avoid certain parts of town and restaurants, but I dont fear sleep.
Its getting better and only because I feel whats supposed to be felt.
What happens to the girl...
What happens to the boy...
it doesn't matter, because Im working to let it go.
 This experience fuels me to be better and lights something creative in me.
Something good will come of it. Im stronger that I thought I was
It's still haunting at times, but I am fine



Lindsay Teter said...

i recognize so many of those feelings. you are so strong. you will pull through on top. <3 loves

Shaylynn said...

I constantly go back to all the times I tried to find words of comfort to provide you with, "it will get easier.." "breathe" seemed to be the status quo.

You're so much stronger then you think you are.

I love you and am so proud of you, B...

Kimberlee said...

And it doesn't hurt that you are looking better than ever, lady!! Love you!

Shaylynn said...

You better cherish my last blog comment, ever.


This was my favorite blog post you've ever done, it is beautiful. I've read it three times.


Ambur said...

So I have never met you. But I am a friend of Tiffany Olsen/ Crystal Durrant and I love to look at your Blog. WOW you are anamzing writter. And a wonderful photographer. Thanks for sharing your life.

Maggy said...

<3 love the way you write, I'll never get tired of saying this!!! and you are such a strong amazing women!! going through a tough time and this makes me see things from a whole diffrenet perspective!!!

keep the great work *I always repeat myself :)*

Lacey Jay said...

i know you through joni and i think we went to school together once upon a time so i check once in a while and recently i noticed a change.. i don't know where i've been? i have no clue what happened nor is it anyones business but i hope you know many, many people are thinking of you! life plan SUCKS sometimes, more than sucks actually. So glad to see you have a fighting spirit! Much luck B

Tara said...

You.Are.SO.Strong. Many prayers, and thoughts are with you. I love how you write. It makes me feel. It brings emotions that I have kept hidden, but can't hide when I read something so raw, and real. Thank you. For being you.

The Hunts said...

Sadly, I relate to this so much. I love how your words set me free sometimes. You're an amazing writer. Coming to your blog is like heroine. Love you!

kimsueellen said...

I wished I had the chance to actually 'meet' you at Jon's open house. I was talking with Tavis last night and it seems we are in similar boats. This blog post is beautifully written. I too hate the night, and your description of the lack of control of your dreams is what hurts me the most as well. Let's keep breathing shall we? Mucho love from one photographer friend to another. xo