Unwrapped

The gifts are all unwrapped and I am still finding pieces of paper and parts to toys to clean up! OH the joys of the holidays. I had my kids christmas morning and loved every minute of it!

(even if I hate the clean up )
Here are the highlights of this past week. My brain is fried so I will let the pictures do the talking without a lengthy written section :)

They werent  in the mood for pictures ...too many new toys to play with!

so I was a nice mommy and kept the camera put away :)

every year the elf's come on christmas eve and leave matching PJs!

My darling sister kristy came in town to visit her inlaws! I was sooooo excited to have someone from my own family to spend some holiday time together! Her two oldest kids are kaitlyn and bills age so they had a blast together! Holidays kinda stink without family.

her sweet new baby girl!

I have been getting requests to bring back the beauty babble soooooo I am working on it

Christmas eve

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its no secret I love this movie, while watching it with my sister she wouldnt stop saying "this movie is so you its scary. The music, the filming and realism".... I agree. I have also been told I am like summer, which I take offense to btw

Christmas eve is here and Im still wondering were the year went.....I just got done wrapping my babies gifts and it made me think they have such a short time in their life filled with santa, magic, and lands of whimsy. There is something so special about a childs mind....so simple and trusting. I hope everyone had a wonderful christmas eve

It's amore

There is a holiness to the hearts affections you know nothing about

I love period films, they own my heart. From the duchess to pride and prejudice and brave heart to gladiator..its amore. I heart them, I love the passionate nature of the films. Plus the writing and filming is always so beautiful. I think I will stay in this holiday and cozy up to my favorite classic movies full of epic love and forbidden romance.

I grew up watching this with my mum and sisters. Did anyone else watch anne of green gables? I feel like I my first ideas of love came from watching these movies. As a child I thought it was so simple, they loved each other so why where they making it so hard?? Then I grew up

Honor

-Im in love with your honor -

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Can you look back at your life so far and say you are proud of the story you wrote? Is it a story of love, honor and truth?

What do you want people to remember you for? Who do you want to become?

I have been thinking about this a lot this past week. I tend to reflect on where I have been and try to understand what I was supposed to learn. Then how thats effected the person I am today. I understand that I still have a lot of life left to grow and learn from, but where am I now?

Sometimes we are blind to our strengths within ourselves. I find I get my mind stuck on points in my life that still dont make any sense to me. I cant seem wrap my mind around it and I dont want to come to terms with the truth of the matter. Which is it will never make sense and its okay to walk away without understanding. Somethings cant be changed and no one can make those things okay. People make choices and they will always conflict with the next choice, a million Im sorrys doesnt change the reality. I have learned words are nothing more than noise. The point of that rant brings me to this .......

I was on facebook while editing late one night, when lets call her "Beth" hit me up on chat. It started off with the basic hey I miss your beautiful face stuff and then I asked her how she was. She said "fine", first off I know "fine" all to well and beth has never been the kind to ever be just "fine." She spilled her situation and my heart sunk into my stomach. Sadly I have been where she is and I know where she is heading. Beth's seems a little less messy but either way her world was crashing down around her. She wanted nothing more than to go back to when it was normal. Life ....normal thats all she wanted. She says she thinks I am amazing(which I am not ) That Im some sort of inspiration, how do I do it?? Maybe I would know what to say to make it ok....

So I was honest with her. I said I am not gonna feed you full of all the crap everyone else will. Im not gonna paint you a picture of time heals all wounds and the classic "meant to be". It will hurt Beth, you will feel like you are drowning and you are desperately gasping for air. You will walk around feeling a crack down the center of your chest and like there are literally chunks missing from your body. It will be heavy and hard to breathe at times. Nights are the worst so try and sleep...but if you cant and you need to scream its okay...scream.. The thought of driving away and disappearing will be enticing. You will often drive with no destination, with tears fogging your eyes and music blaring. You will feel a wide range of extremes from being angry, numb, broken and then sometimes... "okay". Your throat will tighten and burn when you fight back tears in public and you will get good at putting on a brave face. Then you will have days out of no where you are crying in the middle of applebees and its okay Beth. Its okay to say you are broken, cause right now you are. When you think it cant get any worse, cant hurt anymore, it will.

But your name holds honor. You will be blessed in so many ways and find things to be proud of yourself for through this trial. Bright spots will be placed in your path and take the time to enjoy them. Those tender mercies are the times you need to remember when its too heavy and you dont know if you can stand anymore. Just buckle your knees and stand because it will be okay...just not yet. Not only are you losing your husband...but you need to be prepared for the the hurt of losing your best friend, your dreams and for a short time your faith in people. Your life from here on will be a blur of emotion, keeping perspective is key

I am angry right now. I am so sick of learning about this insane world we live in where nothing is sacred or of value anymore. Come to find out Beth tells me of 3 other girls we lived near and grew up with all in the same situation, some with kids some without. Its extremely hard to be on the other end. I try to find something comforting to say. I dont know if it was a good or bad thing I was honest with her about what lies ahead but I think giving her a false timeline would be unfair. We all deal with things differently and I know I am a very passionate person. I have a need to feel things, good or bad. I dont want to go through life numb, find a filler or wonder if I dealt with those moments in the right way. I am excited for life cause I have a new story to tell. I have my freedom to explore and learn more about me and who I want to become. So much is unwritten....

But overall

I want my name to have honor

B

Beth - I love you and you deserve better. I will be here any time you need even if its 3 am. I wish I could do more for you but I have no doubt in what a amazing girl you are. One day it will be okay......Have faith

My Cravings

~ in bianco e nero~

I am the girl who married the boy she fell for at the age of 15...and now I have been divorced for a year. I have always been the independent type in spite of the fact I had never really been "alone". I am not going to wait to be content and I am not going to wait to see the world. I say I want to see the world with the one I love and that is very true. Im planning a trip to Italy for next spring/summer and I have never had a more brilliant idea. I want to feel alive again and I want to be inspired......I crave it.
I have grown to see the world in a different light. At times it was void of light at all....but thankfully I have my bright spots and I feel something big coming. I have no idea what it is, I just feel it and it makes me happy. I was planning on going alone but after a lovely face book status update a few photog friends want to join me. I will go either way ...alone or not. I will be updating everyone on my planning and feel free to join me.

another craving ....a Italian in his tall dark and perfectly handsome glory (wink)

he is pretty much perfect....lets find him :)

whimsy

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I have a playlist of of dream like tunes. I call it whimsy.... and this its latest addition

whimsy-
1: an odd or fanciful or capricious idea

[syn: notion, whim, whimsy, whimsey]

2: the trait of acting unpredictably and more from whim or
caprice than from reason or judgment;

[syn: flightiness, arbitrariness, whimsicality, whimsy,whimsey, capriciousness]

another on my whimsy playlist is

natalie walkers walking dream

what are some of your best kept secret songs?

Making it worth it

Life is short, but some days drag on forever. I have learned sometimes its easier to focus on today, not a year from now or even a week. Today is all we have control over...Make it worth it.

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I can choose to...

-smile

-dance in my bathroom to the Pierces

-eat horrible and not feel guilty

-read book after book with my babies

-watch gossip girl and pretend Chuck Bass is my boyfriend :)

-go to bed before midnight (which rarely happens)

-not let anyone get under my skin and ruin my day

But in my short "insignificant" lifetime I have dreams ....a to do list of sorts

-The soundtrack to my life isn't just a clever saying. I really do have moments in my life that I have heard music rushing through my head like an epic part of a movie. I have a goal to write my own music. To tell my own story

-Coffee table books...I have a few concepts for coffee table books made with my photography. Some of the concepts are simple and others are just a composite of what inspires me. I feel like I dont get to breathe enough to express my work like I could. I am so go go go and gotta get the job done that it leaves me little time for my own enjoyment of the art.

-School... I am far from the school type. I have a short attention span for something that only works when rules are applied. But someday when Im married or something (which means when I have time) I want to get a fine arts degree. I feel like I have been given a natural ability to understand some areas of art but I would love to fuel that creativity.

The ones above are what I am passionate about but there is oodles of others

-I want to box. I know you are thinking " hahahahhaah BROOKE KINSEY ..box!?!?" I have ZERO to desire to go toe to toe in a ring. But I would love to do the training. I m a stubborn girl at times and it might be a great way to let some of that out.

-Vanity is one of the things all us girls deal with. I by no means think I am fat or anything, and I am lucky that after two kids I can look like I do without consistent effort. I worked my butt off after the babies but I could always take better care of myself all the time. I know how to eat clean and ect but a personal trainer is always a bonus. Got me one of those :) and I will be blogging the adventure.

my list continues....

-skydive solo

-travel the world with the one I love and my camera

-get a motorcycle

-live in a home that has a tree covered dirt path as the drive way

-paint

-Help my children discover what makes them tick. I would never want them to live without passion

-be a better boarder

-find a rugged yet regal man to call my own, who will understand and value who I am and our family

-take a long scenic backpacking trip

- see a moose live in alaska ( I have a thing for moose)

-have a positive impact on people

-laugh more

those are all I could think of for now but the list does go on

xoxo B

A secret

I like to say music keeps my secrets but thats a lie....its a bold lie. I know I have alot of "favorites" and "love" the songs I post. Thats why I share them but I cannot say enough about this melody. It burns .......

Part of me wants a private blog. One I can rant and rave on and be COMPLETELY honest. I know what you are thinking right now, you are saying "Brooke that is was a journal is for." But I cant look back and hear the melodies that made up my life. I cant hear the joys, fears, heartbreak or the thrill of love in my writing. I also know for some crazy reason my blog inspires and has helped some people out there. So that makes up for some of the venerability I feel. I have never been someone who likes talking about these things. I still shy away from those conversations but I find myself caring less and less what I write or who reads it. I spent a few years of my life putting on a face and its left me feeling bare

So to completely honest today....

I am afraid I am not as tough as I think

I am afraid that part of me is broken

I am afraid of my mistakes

~Brooklyn

but on a lighter note, which from my blog you may not think I have .....:)

I got my guitar lessons going! I cant wait to be able to write a few of my own songs

Gobble gobble

(some of the family at the table)

okay okay I know I am a bit behind on the thanksgiving post but since I drove alone with my kiddos to fort wayne Indiana, I thought I better blog the highlights. The drive was long (23 hours)... very very long but I have never hated road trips. I find I can relax with a diet coke and some good tunes.

For the first time in forever we had 5 of my 6 brother and sisters all in the same house. I was the baby of five children till my little brother (whos 11) came along. Everyone of my family members lives in a different state and have their own families/ busy busy lives.

Charie - North carolina

Brent - Michigan

Blake - Florida

Kristy - California

Me - Utah

and my parents/little brother jordan are in Indiana

It seemed so normal to have 20+ people under one roof. I am surprised my mother ( who is o.c.d clean and tidy ) didnt have melt down. I haven't had my mothers thanksgiving dinner for at least 6 years now. We always went the my ex husbands families for the holidays. But there is nothing like your moms thanksgiving dinner. We have ham, turkey, spinach balls which are kinda a big deal :) and A LOT of pie....we had 21 pies this year.

We play games and talk till 3 and 4 am. So to say we all look lazy and unrest in these pictures is the TRUTH. I also drove straight through on the trip home which I am sure is a record.

Most important was my kids got to spend time with their cousins and we got to be with family.

happy holidays

my boy

blake and the famous family spinach balls

I made them every thanksgiving but moms are best

my beautiful little girl

kitkat and cousins

I didnt see that girl the whole time. she was so busy playing

my snuggle love bug! he always loves on me and I pray that he never grows out of it

me and andrea

brent and andrea being goofs

blake and brianna

my lovely sister charie

my brothers wife andrea, one of their little ones and me

my brother blake and I

below me and his little boy easton. I hadnt met him yet and he was just perfect!

we did a little christmas present opening

you always gotta see a movie thanksgiving weekend. New moon was the choice......I think 3 times seeing it with in 2 weeks is plenty

this is andreas jasper face

me and charie at the late night movie

I am the brown eyed, dark coloring of my oldest sister. Lucky me cause she is beautiful even when she is expecting her 5th child.

All and all it was a wonderful trip minus the driving through wyoming

Next up christmas which my little family has been prepping for. Last night for f.h.e we made ginger bread houses

To the blackberry people....

I have had a blackberry for years. I have been true blue and stayed with them even with all the i phone hype. I use my phone for emails, calls, text and your very very occasional web browsing. I have no desire for all the fancy applications except......the Polaroid ap

So to the blackberry people,

I want this on my phone ....

do this or I switch.

your customer

B

example

here is my friend joni and at dinner taken with my point and shoot

and then with her phone.....way cooler

If you could translate my heart.....

If you could translate my heart you would find simple things. But it is the simple things that can make everything complex.

Expression is a basic human desire, love and faith are a need.

I am Blessed:

I have the most beautiful children who I pray can feel even a percent of how much I love them

I have been given a gift to express myself

I have a wonderful examples in my life

I have the most amazing friends

I have a job doing one of the things I enjoy more than anything else

I have been taught truth

I find joy in the most simple of things:

like...

the smell of snow

watching my fan spin while laying upside down

driving backroads

watching light dance at dusk

the way the sun feels

But the simple things I love are also complex cause I want to somehow capture the peace those things bring me. I want to bottle that feeling of contentment but how... Music? Painting? Photography? Writing?

Music: only fuels my fire

Painting: is a goal

Photography: is my everest ..... I dont know if I will ever reach my level I have set for myself. If I will ever feel like I finally am there. Can people see what I see? can they feel the mood I wanted to express?

Writing: HA I am a horrible writer. I write like I speak and use bad grammar

So whats a girl to do to translate who she is. Why do I crave it so much?

Now for my readers I have never really asked. What do you what more of? Maybe I should try my hand at a give away. Maybe write about lighter things? I find I blog when I am in a more serious mind set....

I would love to hear your thoughts and I say that to you lurkers out there :)

You know who you are

B

(for those of you who have emailed me, thank you for your kind words)