This band, this heart

When times past, and you stumble upon a forgotten favorite.
When you get tired.
When you really just need a hug.
And to be reminded you are doing better than your best. 
When you are homesick for a home unknown.
Its constant.
When there is nothing wrong,
there is too much to be grateful for
but when you really just need to be....
Be still. 


In this moment

Is it weird, that at times, I feel ageless. 
I am not old, I am not young. 
I am just wrapped in a day, a moment of time. 
All of which can tell me, to the very second how "old" I am. 
On days like these I feel, Forever. 
There's not a stop and start, just on a constant cycle. 
But then there's moments I feel I have earned my scars, my bruises and place.
Yet my number  Age doesn't quite add up. 
Its been hard at times. 
The search for safety. 
You see, I plan to make something of myself. 
I have a simple yet complex urgency for life. 
I want my children in a home open to question and discovery, to not fear but explore with bliss.
I want to fall asleep one day, knowing, I finally reached my goal. 
Life is as beautiful as I dreamt it, and I never thought it was possible.
 My mind never stops, ... It's like a speeding flash of life, simple moments, and emotions thrown into a beautiful accident.



for now

I believe in feeling things whole heartedly
I believe honesty isn't always the best policy 
and that your mind creates the inevitable
I believe pain is the truest form of reinventing yourself 

I believe you fan your own flame 

I believe in ever after, after the after
and that love doesn't conquer all 
but more importantly
 is worth it. 


Breathing deeper

We all have something that built the root of us
Why we are the way we are.
Why we see the world in a particular way.
Do you notice the canopy of light embracing the room?
Do you notice the way a vintage book store smells?
Do you notice how beautiful twilight looks in a rear view mirror?
My constant craving since I was a child was a need for a safe place
a quiet place....
somewhere real but equally magical.
I believe the most beautiful things in life are not fairy tales but creating moments that stain your very soul with emotion.
Something that lingers, something unforgettable and feeds the root of who you are.
I want those marks forever. Its my story, its who I am.
Breathing is a funny thing.
We do it all day, every single second without even thinking.
Its natural, something hardwired in us all.
My heart tends to race.
It can be scary in moments. Its something I have grown custom too.
Shortness of breath ... always trying to take a deeper one.
Trying to find my safe place, my calm place.
When you burst into tears for no valid reason besides just wanting your heart to slow.
A desperate need to create some sort of distance between you and that feeling.
breath, deeper... be still
That same constant craving for a safe place is also what fuels the most beautiful and creative side of me.
I see things. Things I feel most people neglect. 
The forgotten beauty and connections of love.
The real reason we are even here.
Its a balance


I would run

Its been awhile since I had a quiet house to myself. 
Just so I can think. 
Its been awhile since I have let my mind just away within itself.
Ive been a little blah these days, maybe its just winter taking its toll on me. 
I have this project I want to do, I hope its as pretty printed as it is in my head. 
There is more to childhood than sidewalk chalk and fruit snacks. 
There is a quietness that gets neglected.
I have a need to photograph stillness.
The wind can blow wild but in those moments, if you can find peace....
its absolutely priceless.
She might not know it fully yet, but she is my best friend.
In those quiet moments with her, I don't see her as a child. 
I see her little spirit. The base that's building her character.
Sometimes the responsibility I feel is overwhelming.
I have the ability to open her eyes, let her learn...
What if I work to much, what if I missed a important moment... what if time just slips past me.
They say fear is a liar but I don't believe that's always true. 
Our nations been buzzing due to the recent trauma in CT. 
I wont lie my heart raced as I sent both my kids off to school Monday morning. 
I asked her if they talked about it in class and she said no. 
So as I explained what happened I watched her eyes grow wide in a sense of panic.
After telling her some things to do in that situation she asked me what I would do. 
I told her I would run. I would run so fast and all she had to do is wait for me.
she smiled and said, I know.
Is it weird to admit I have never been very good at praying. 
I do it often, always have. 
but its strange that I still feel a need to be private with my thoughts, even with god. 
I wonder if he still knows. 

If you can find a path with no obstacles. It probably doesn't lead anywhere.

Typhoon claws part 2
"as long as you're waiting
since you have nothing to do with your hands
you might as well pray
i am no god-fearing man but i am afraid
of something that i cannot quite explain

this marks a vulnerable part of me
i guess it runs in my family
passing the fire down to me
i only fear for my family
i've got it in me
got it in my genes

misery loves company
so careful of the friends you keep

i'm waving the white flag, the fire's ceased
i don't want any enemies"


Do I dare admit

Do I dare admit,
in some ways I have always been wrong.
Off course....
for years I was waiting for something more.
Now here I am, daydreaming
As I often do ....
this person might just be perfect.
Yes, perfect.
Is it wrong to admit I get scared.
Scared of letting someone so close that I could break in thirds or fourths.
It makes my heart race...
I want to hide from it when my sister confirms just how perfect.
I spent so much time running.
It didnt matter where or for how long.
I have already been broken in two
It wasn't me, as much as my expectations....
But he was there, always there.
He would listen and he waited.
I don't know how he did it, I wasn't easy.
For once, my fear is intriguing ... exciting even.
Because I am understood.
Inspired and supported in a way I am not used too. 
The one thing that scares me the most, is the one person that can love me. 
That does love me ... always has.
The more I think about it, the more important it becomes.

Do I dare admit...
I might have finally figured it out.
But that doesn't mean I am not scared.
It doesn't make it easier.
Part of me wants to be this girl who can do it on her own.
I can do it.... 
The other wants to make a safe place for someone else. 
After a year and a half the battles over ...
My mind says "nothing ever really works"
Lets hope I am wrong. 
Because he is the only one, I feel like such a fool.